A few weeks ago, I had said goodbye to a dear friend. At the service for her, people spoke about the kind of person she was. Even when I spoke about her to others, I feel like everyone echoed the same thing about her – she was a kind person, who never had a bad thing to say about anyone and who was always such a light. And so, I began to really mull this over. So much in fact, that I started to take a deeper look into my own self. I do this every week in therapy but this time it was even more than I let out in a 45 minute session.
Gosh, what would people remember most about me? Did I want it to be the worst parts of me or the best? Do my best parts outweigh the worst? Part of the reason why I kept a close circle of friends is because they will not short change me. They won’t tell me things I want to hear for the sake of hearing it. If I’m being an asshole, sure as heck they’ll call me out for it. That’s what everyone needs in their life, people who won’t constantly placate them. I appreciate raw honesty, those are the kind of people I want and need in my life. You can be an honest human being and still be kind, it’s possible because I’ve witnessed it first hand.
My best friend’s mother passed away not to long ago, and it was a hard hit. I failed to understand why someone so good was taken far too soon. There wasn’t a mean bone in this woman’s body, and she would do anything for you if asked – that was the kind of person Brenda K. was. The same can be said about my friend, Sara. They deserved better. They were too good for this Earth. I miss seeing both of their inspirational posts on Facebook, or the occasional heart emoji comment. I know that I’m certainly not the only one who feels this way about these two women – aside from their close family and friends, that is. I know there’s a giant hole in their families hearts where that person should be.
I struggle with my self-esteem and have since the dawn of time. That’s mostly because of my childhood and all that I had gone through. As an adult, it’s taken me time to not care about what others think of me. If people don’t like me, that’s not my problem. I have plenty of people who do and I’m more than okay with it. But people not liking you isn’t something I feel you should be proud of. Which leads me to what I want to be remembered for when my time is up. I don’t want people to remember me as what I’m not, but more so what and who I am. I don’t want people to say, “Oh, she was such a bitch.” Being bitchy isn’t something I want to be, and I think I adjusted my ways big time. How could I possibly preach to my child to be kind when all I am is the opposite? It’s hypocritical.
In the past five years, I’ve started to mend my ways. I stopped being petty, because petty me would have sent out several nasty emails and texts by now to people. I have forgiven people who have hurt me over the years, because I can’t hold grudges anymore. It’s exhausting to be so angry all of the time, I can speak on this for a fact. I know I’ve done a lot of wrong things in my lifetime, things I’m not proud of. People do and CAN change, only if they want to. I wanted to, and I’m still working on it.
When it’s my time, I want to be remembered for always trying to help others. For being kind, for giving everyone a fair chance. For being selfless, encouraging, loving. A lot of soul searching has been going on here, and I’ve reflected a lot on my almost 40 years of life. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to have any hate in my heart.
That being said, this is where I leave this blog. I don’t have a heck of a lot of time to dedicate myself to it, but I want to put my focus elsewhere on things that bring me joy. I want to invest my time in something that will make me feel good about who I am and the person I’m still trying to become. I need to be the best version of myself – for me, for my family. It’s never too late to change your old ways, and there’s nothing wrong with doing so.
Honestly for the last time,
Marie
Honestly, Marie. 
❤ ❤ ❤
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