How do you want to be remembered?

A few weeks ago, I had said goodbye to a dear friend. At the service for her, people spoke about the kind of person she was. Even when I spoke about her to others, I feel like everyone echoed the same thing about her – she was a kind person, who never had a bad thing to say about anyone and who was always such a light. And so, I began to really mull this over. So much in fact, that I started to take a deeper look into my own self. I do this every week in therapy but this time it was even more than I let out in a 45 minute session.

Gosh, what would people remember most about me? Did I want it to be the worst parts of me or the best? Do my best parts outweigh the worst? Part of the reason why I kept a close circle of friends is because they will not short change me. They won’t tell me things I want to hear for the sake of hearing it. If I’m being an asshole, sure as heck they’ll call me out for it. That’s what everyone needs in their life, people who won’t constantly placate them. I appreciate raw honesty, those are the kind of people I want and need in my life. You can be an honest human being and still be kind, it’s possible because I’ve witnessed it first hand.

My best friend’s mother passed away not to long ago, and it was a hard hit. I failed to understand why someone so good was taken far too soon. There wasn’t a mean bone in this woman’s body, and she would do anything for you if asked – that was the kind of person Brenda K. was. The same can be said about my friend, Sara. They deserved better. They were too good for this Earth. I miss seeing both of their inspirational posts on Facebook, or the occasional heart emoji comment. I know that I’m certainly not the only one who feels this way about these two women – aside from their close family and friends, that is. I know there’s a giant hole in their families hearts where that person should be.

I struggle with my self-esteem and have since the dawn of time. That’s mostly because of my childhood and all that I had gone through. As an adult, it’s taken me time to not care about what others think of me. If people don’t like me, that’s not my problem. I have plenty of people who do and I’m more than okay with it. But people not liking you isn’t something I feel you should be proud of. Which leads me to what I want to be remembered for when my time is up. I don’t want people to remember me as what I’m not, but more so what and who I am. I don’t want people to say, “Oh, she was such a bitch.” Being bitchy isn’t something I want to be, and I think I adjusted my ways big time. How could I possibly preach to my child to be kind when all I am is the opposite? It’s hypocritical.

In the past five years, I’ve started to mend my ways. I stopped being petty, because petty me would have sent out several nasty emails and texts by now to people. I have forgiven people who have hurt me over the years, because I can’t hold grudges anymore. It’s exhausting to be so angry all of the time, I can speak on this for a fact. I know I’ve done a lot of wrong things in my lifetime, things I’m not proud of. People do and CAN change, only if they want to. I wanted to, and I’m still working on it.

When it’s my time, I want to be remembered for always trying to help others. For being kind, for giving everyone a fair chance. For being selfless, encouraging, loving. A lot of soul searching has been going on here, and I’ve reflected a lot on my almost 40 years of life. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to have any hate in my heart.

That being said, this is where I leave this blog. I don’t have a heck of a lot of time to dedicate myself to it, but I want to put my focus elsewhere on things that bring me joy. I want to invest my time in something that will make me feel good about who I am and the person I’m still trying to become. I need to be the best version of myself – for me, for my family. It’s never too late to change your old ways, and there’s nothing wrong with doing so.

Honestly for the last time,
Marie

I’m tired of being tired.

They say that anywhere between 7-8 1/2 hours of sleep is sufficient for an adult. When I look at my sleep patterns, I get confused. Why? Because on a normal night, I’m usually passed out cold by 10. There are days that I do stay up late and get caught up in catching up on my DVR or reading a book and I will regret it wholly in the morning. But it’s definitely safe to say that I’m in bed after my kiddo is asleep – even on nights that’s not mine to read to him and get him in bed. I’ll lie down and just pass out, wake up about two hours later and then fall right back to sleep. I wake up feeling like I just simply do not sleep. I know I’m asleep, I sleep straight through the night unless my kiddo wakes up from a bad dream. I have a thyroid condition and I know that does contribute somewhat to how tired I get but I DO sleep at least eight hours a night – so what gives?

There are many reasons why I feel tired all of the time. Work, motherhood, thyroid disease, my husband’s limited physical abilities. My only break from any of this (save for my thyroid disease) is during my commute to and from work. I sit on a bus and I have time for myself. And unless I can stay awake at night, then I also have time for myself. I don’t think that’s enough for somebody who’s constantly got so much heaped on her plate. When things start to become too much, I have my meltdown. I go to therapy once a week, and it’s starting to come to light just how much of a break I truly need.

I love my kid. I love being around him. I love being with him. If it were an option, I’d be a stay at home mother and be able to pick him up from school before 5 and hang out with him. But I need a break. I need my husband and son to vacate the premises of my home for a few hours so I can have peace and quiet. I will leave my home on Saturdays to run errands – that is not time to and for myself. That is time doing things for everyone else in addition to doing things for me. That is NOT time for myself. Time for myself is doing things that I want to do for me – sitting and reading, writing, grabbing my coloring book and pencils, watching some of my DVR, working on another puzzle. None of that consists of hearing the name “Mommy” nine thousand times or being asked to pick up this, that and the third from the grocery store and oh, please get me an iced coffee or a Slurpee.

I’m just tired of being tired. I want a day where I can sit on my couch, stare out my window and sip my coffee before it gets cold. Check my emails, work on my Young Living business, read my book, writing with my friends like I used to. I don’t think it’s asking for much, right? When I traveled to Charlotte a few months ago for work, I was upset because I was going to be away from my kiddo even if it was just for a day. That night, I got to my hotel room and looked around. I just stood there for a moment and took it all in. Peace, quiet, nobody asking anything of me. A bed to myself. A tv to myself. I started to feel guilty for having this moment. Why though? Why the heck should I feel bad about this? I shouldn’t.

I know this sounds like a boatload of complaining, but I cannot be alone in this. I know I’m not. I’m not one of those people who ask for much at all, I’m not a demanding person by any means. The things I do ask for, the things that I do truly want, should not be THIS impossible to get. There’s a few things that have crossed my mind lately and I’ve had to give it a lot of thought. And I still am, if we’re going to be honest here. About things that may help alleviate all of this pressure, to help me feel less run down and pulled in ten different directions. I have always told myself that when I’m not happy with something in my life, it’s up to me to change it. I can’t rely on others to do that for me, and quite frankly as a grown woman it’s ridiculous to be going to others and saying, ‘HI, SOLVE MY PROBLEMS FOR ME THANKS.’ Something has to change, and my gut has been telling me exactly what it is for the past six months.

I should probably listen to my gut, it’s never failed me in my 38 years of existence and I don’t think it will begin to, either.

This took me awhile.

I’ve been sitting on this blog update for what feels like forever. I meant to have this done in January, then I pushed it back to the beginning of February. Here I am, early March and still wondering if I should keep writing. How long am I going to put this off? Why did I put this off in the first place?

Fear.

Yes, you read that right. Once I get it out there, it becomes more real. And it’s scary to talk about the things that break you down because then that leaves you feeling raw, vulnerable. And those are feelings that terrify me the most. I go to therapy once a week. I sit with my therapist for 45 minutes, and it’s easy because he doesn’t judge me. He has no personal attachment to me, so it’s not scary for me to open up and get to the root of some of the issues that I have. When I leave my appointment, I’m tired and I just want to go to sleep. It’s not that simple because I have to go back to work and pretend to be 100% there.

I’ve been working on a lot in my appointments, I’ll say that much. There are things that I’ve come to terms with, things that I’ve learned how to handle. A lot of the time it’s all works in progress. Three weeks ago, I told my therapist that it was time to remove Facebook & Instagram from my phone. This was something he and I had discussed before, I just didn’t ever pull the plug because I felt this pressure to keep up at it. I lived in a time before social media was ever a thing, nobody should be aghast that another doesn’t post every little facet of their life on a site for public consumption. Yet, here we are.

A little bit before December, I started spiraling down a very dangerous rabbit hole of depression and anxiety. Nothing made me happy. Nothing interested me. I just wanted to sleep, not even eat or drink. I couldn’t find joy in the things I always did. I found myself scrolling through Facebook and Instagram at night and being so angry, feeling so incredibly worthless. But why? I have a great life, I know that I do. But anxiety kept telling me that it wasn’t enough. That Person A was going on these luxurious vacations and Person B looks terrific even without makeup, and Person C’s husband seems so loving and attentive. And then there’s the, “So they’re going out and having fun without me” and the “I’m not cool enough to be invited?” feelings. Those are always fun (not really).

I continued to beat myself up, and then something happened that was the straw in the camel’s back. I spent the holiday season in complete misery, pretending that I was okay when once a week for 45 minutes I would reveal that I’m just not okay. I continued to beat myself up over so many things, to sink further into a depression that often left me not wanting to get up and out of bed and be a functioning human being. I would look at myself in the mirror and say, “It must be nice for people to wake up and not have to worry about being ugly.” Then I would feel like I am a burden, that I’m exhausting. “They’re better off without me.” It got that dark, it got that scary. It stayed like this for awhile, even past the new year.

I may have been a distant person for months on end. It’s not because I don’t care, but I have to be selfish and take care of myself. For years, I have been everything to everyone. I neglected my own mental health so much that it caused me to end up in the deep end of the pool and nearly drowning. I knew that it was unfair of me to bring my issues to someone else’s life, and that if I couldn’t take care of myself I couldn’t be expected to be a good friend to anyone. I had to go through my own shit, for lack of better words. I wasn’t good company for anyone, I didn’t even like to be left alone to my own devices.

Finally, I decided that it was time to make a change. Facebook and Instagram were removed from my phone, of course I can go on the websites and all but there’s no more app. There’s nothing there to distract me or for me to waste time scrolling through and feeling like my life is boring, or that I’m too ugly or fat. It’s been three weeks, and I feel less angry at the world. I feel less angry at myself. I’ve been enjoying time not plugged into a social media outlet. I hardly get time to boot up the laptop, and when I do I’m looking up DIY projects or trying to find some new craft projects for me and my son to do together.

In the past three weeks, I’ve found new hobbies and I’ve rekindled old ones. I’m even starting to write my cookbook – something I’ve always wanted to do. I have no desire to curate my life on social media, to make it look so perfect. We’re held to this expectation that everything HAS to be if you’re going to share it on social media. We choose to share only the good things, we choose to curate our lives to look flawless for everyone to see. We are also not obligated to discuss the details of our lives, but we’re expected to for whatever reason that might be.

Hey, I finally finished this.

Honestly,
Marie

On the Eve Of…

Tomorrow is my 37th birthday. I can’t say that I’m excited or happy about it, but I also can’t say that I’m not. In the past, I’ve had a very bad relationship with my birthday. No matter how many times I’ve tried to make my birthday a positive thing – something always happened to make it pretty miserable. Last year, I enjoyed my birthday. The year before that, I enjoyed my birthday. The trend? Being a mom. I’ve had something to look forward to every single year now – my child’s adorable face and unconditional love.

I stopped being that person that has plans for their birthday – where you invite everyone to a bar and pretend like you actually can stand that person for more than just an hour at a time. I just don’t care all too much to celebrate my birthday like that anymore. I would much rather be with my family. I would much rather have something very low key where I can be relaxed and not always have to be ‘on.’ I don’t want to deal with drama that comes with planning things because one friend doesn’t like the other, etc. I don’t want to hurt two friends of mine by inviting one and not the other and I don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable so I just don’t do it anymore. That’s not the main reason, but it’s definitely a bit of a contributing factor. See how I’m putting others over myself on my own birthday? Yeah, I’m probably an idiot for doing so.

But I digress, big gatherings are just not my thing anymore. I suffer from anxiety to the point where I am exhausted if I have to be amongst people for a long period of time. I had three days of sales meetings a couple of weeks ago, and I was totally drained at the end because I had to always be ‘on.’ It’s tiring being in my head all day. Sometimes, I want to just go on vacation and leave my body here so that it’s just a body in a chair. If we’re really keeping it a buck, I’m like that a lot of the time because of the mess my own head is.

So with my birthday coming in less than twelve hours, I sit here thinking about the birthdays I had when I was a young child, teenager, younger adult, and now…wife and mother. Everything changes but in the best way possible. I don’t have ridiculous birthday demands, I don’t want to do anything but just exist and not have to entertain. I don’t fear the age thing. Turning 37 doesn’t scare me. I’m happy to be in my ‘late 30s’ now. I still get carded for wine, I still look fairly young. My health is getting better, I’m down four pounds in two weeks. It’s never been something I have gotten upset over, not even when my husband attempts to say that I’m old while forgetting that he’s already 40. Note: to me, 40 is not old.

I’ve come a long way. I’ve made so many changes to my life, strides to become a better human being. I’ve changed my way of thinking, and how I don’t let things upset me anymore because it’s not worth it. I am lucky. I am very happy. I have a great husband and son, the best family in the world, and the best friends. I want for nothing. Maybe hugs because I am like Olaf from Frozen and I love hugs…but nothing materialistic. And coffee. Always coffee. I don’t need to blow out candles and make a wish for anything, because I already have everything that I could have ever asked for in life. Even Hamilton tickets.

Honestly,
Marie

And on Sunday…we rest.

Two blogs just two days apart? What is this wizardry?

It’s 8:33 and my son has been asleep for nearly an hour already, that’s what.

My husband was given Saturday off, his company is very busy working on an order for the Hillary Clinton camp for Election Night. But he was given a day off and that meant one thing for me – I get a day off-ish.

Yesterday, Jim wanted to stay in bed in the morning. Andrew woke up, wanted to go watch cartoons. I was annoyed because Jim wasn’t letting ME rest but then I realized I was being a jerk and I needed to let him have his day off. We had plans to spend the day together anyway, just the three of us. I was going to dinner later on with two of my girlfriends. I needed to get over it and stop being selfish and resentful.

But today, oh…did I get a surprise. My husband had been planning to take me somewhere today after church as long as he wasn’t working on Saturday. No working on Saturday meant the grocery shopping was already done so we didn’t have to go Sunday. That left my day wide open, but whatever my husband had planned I knew it wasn’t going to involve shopping, laundry, chores, and/or errands.

He took me to brunch at my favorite German food spot. I GOT TO GO TO BRUNCH, YOU GUYS.

First let me say that he woke up this morning and instantly made me French press coffee. That was enough to make me feel pampered and loved. We went to church, I got to sit by myself during worship because my son was downstairs at Sunday school and my husband was in the back doing the audio. I had no idea where we were going, but once we were headed in the direction of Hoboken I had a feeling.

My husband said, “I wanted to take you somewhere nice, we haven’t done this in awhile.” And my son said, “Because you’re the best mommy in the world.” I felt loved, I felt appreciated. I felt amazing. Anxiety didn’t get into my head and say, “I don’t deserve this.” We sat down, ordered a giant pretzel, my husband and I clinked our beer steins and he held my hand. It was an amazing brunch, time spent with my guys and I was absolutely overjoyed. And relaxed, I slept well the night before.

And when we got home, my husband took over and I was able to escape for an hour (or a little more) and nap in peace. I didn’t hear any screaming toddler or yelling husband. I heard nothing. I rested. I slept. I woke up feeling like a million bucks. It wasn’t Mother’s Day. There was no catch. My husband wasn’t trying to butter me up, this wasn’t a dream. Maybe my husband realized how frustrated I’ve been, how I’ve felt unappreciated and unloved. How I’ve been burnt out for weeks since our vacation. But I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth on this one.

For the first time in a long time, I feel worthy of a loving husband and one amazing little boy who reminds me every day that “you are pretty like a princess” and doesn’t hesitate to hug me. And this feels good.

Honestly,
Marie

Expect nothing, appreciate everything.

Sounds pretty cut and dry, right? It’s simple. But as humans we default to finding something wrong with everything. I have been so guilty of this numerous times. When I have talked about my anxiety and depression, people have given the ‘but you have nothing to be depressed about’ statement. How obtuse can one be to say something like that? I have struggled a lot in my life, I make no secrets about it but I’ll be perfectly honest…I’m not going to sit and complain about it. It’s all in the past, I’ve learned from everything and I’ve moved on.

And now it’s time for you to do the same and move on. Easier said than done, sure but the mentality of ‘everything sucks, why me, poor me, feel sorry for me’ is never going to make you feel better. The one thing I learned over the course of time is stop expecting things. Don’t expect people to feel bad for you, don’t expect people to go the extra mile for you, or to know that you’re upset. The sooner you adapt to this, the better off you’ll be. And once you master this, it’s so much easier to go on to the next step.

Did you wake up today? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food in your fridge? Do you have a wonderful family? Do you have a great group of friends? Oh, what’s that you say? Yes to all of that? Then be grateful for all of it. Most people have nothing. Some people didn’t wake up today. Some people don’t have a place to live. Some people are begging for food. Some people have no family or friends. Somewhere in the world, somebody’s got it far worse than you do. You are not the only person burdened with problems. Everyone is struggling whether or not they are open to talking about it. Be mindful of that, be considerate. Most of all, be appreciative. It’s not difficult.

This probably sounds callous, but I assure you that my words are all coming from a good place. I have very bad days, but I am still appreciative and happy with all that I have in my life. I’m also aware. I also know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I sat around and waited for things to just magically come to me. I am not entitled, I don’t believe I am owed anything because of unfortunate circumstances in my life. Last week, I had let my toddler know what our plans were for Saturday while my husband was off at work. It wasn’t anything extravagant, trust me. My husband says, “I’m jealous.” That phrase is one of the worst to me, and so I said…”Don’t ever be jealous of someone else, be grateful for what you have.” He was quiet for awhile because he knew how ridiculous he sounded. All he needed to do was remember there are people who wish they could earn overtime hours or even wish they had a job to go to. I know he’d like to not work on the weekend, but what’s the upside to overtime hours? A much bigger paycheck. Boom, rewarding.

It’s been a long week for me. I’m pressing the tap out button as we speak because by no means has it been easy, but I can’t complain. It’s not in me to do so. The best thing I can do is make the most of it, to find the good because it’s definitely there somewhere. I struggled with what to write today, but this has been at the top of my list of things to talk about for some time and I feel better having done so. This will serve as a reminder for me. Even if sometimes things don’t seem so great on the surface, I’m alive and I truly do have a very good life.

Honestly,
Marie