On the Eve Of…

Tomorrow is my 37th birthday. I can’t say that I’m excited or happy about it, but I also can’t say that I’m not. In the past, I’ve had a very bad relationship with my birthday. No matter how many times I’ve tried to make my birthday a positive thing – something always happened to make it pretty miserable. Last year, I enjoyed my birthday. The year before that, I enjoyed my birthday. The trend? Being a mom. I’ve had something to look forward to every single year now – my child’s adorable face and unconditional love.

I stopped being that person that has plans for their birthday – where you invite everyone to a bar and pretend like you actually can stand that person for more than just an hour at a time. I just don’t care all too much to celebrate my birthday like that anymore. I would much rather be with my family. I would much rather have something very low key where I can be relaxed and not always have to be ‘on.’ I don’t want to deal with drama that comes with planning things because one friend doesn’t like the other, etc. I don’t want to hurt two friends of mine by inviting one and not the other and I don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable so I just don’t do it anymore. That’s not the main reason, but it’s definitely a bit of a contributing factor. See how I’m putting others over myself on my own birthday? Yeah, I’m probably an idiot for doing so.

But I digress, big gatherings are just not my thing anymore. I suffer from anxiety to the point where I am exhausted if I have to be amongst people for a long period of time. I had three days of sales meetings a couple of weeks ago, and I was totally drained at the end because I had to always be ‘on.’ It’s tiring being in my head all day. Sometimes, I want to just go on vacation and leave my body here so that it’s just a body in a chair. If we’re really keeping it a buck, I’m like that a lot of the time because of the mess my own head is.

So with my birthday coming in less than twelve hours, I sit here thinking about the birthdays I had when I was a young child, teenager, younger adult, and now…wife and mother. Everything changes but in the best way possible. I don’t have ridiculous birthday demands, I don’t want to do anything but just exist and not have to entertain. I don’t fear the age thing. Turning 37 doesn’t scare me. I’m happy to be in my ‘late 30s’ now. I still get carded for wine, I still look fairly young. My health is getting better, I’m down four pounds in two weeks. It’s never been something I have gotten upset over, not even when my husband attempts to say that I’m old while forgetting that he’s already 40. Note: to me, 40 is not old.

I’ve come a long way. I’ve made so many changes to my life, strides to become a better human being. I’ve changed my way of thinking, and how I don’t let things upset me anymore because it’s not worth it. I am lucky. I am very happy. I have a great husband and son, the best family in the world, and the best friends. I want for nothing. Maybe hugs because I am like Olaf from Frozen and I love hugs…but nothing materialistic. And coffee. Always coffee. I don’t need to blow out candles and make a wish for anything, because I already have everything that I could have ever asked for in life. Even Hamilton tickets.

Honestly,
Marie

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That kind of day.

It’s been a busy week for me. I didn’t see my son for three days. I missed him terribly. I read to him last night, tucked him in, kissed him goodnight. Got him ready this morning, brought him to school. He’s staying with my parents tonight since they’re taking him to Breakfast with Santa early in the morning. That isn’t the cause of what I’m feeling today. Truth is, I have no idea what the cause of it is because there isn’t one.

I don’t feel good today. Physically, sure. I’m fine. I don’t feel sick. I don’t feel like I’m coming down with a cold. I just don’t feel good emotionally. I’ve spent the majority of my day in a dark, dark place. At least I have therapy later on today, which usually helps pull me out from under.

It’s not holiday blues, I love the holiday season.

Maybe it’s a combination of things. I miss my husband, he works six days a week and we barely get time together without falling asleep on one another. I miss my best friends – two of which don’t live in the same state as I do, the other does but she’s got a busy life. I worry about my mother. I worry about my father. I miss my youngest brother, he’s coming home for Christmas and I may not let him leave. These are my normal feelings though, I go through these motions daily. So maybe that’s not it.

Maybe there doesn’t need to be a reason where I just feel this way.