You are confined only by the walls you build yourself.

I had zero intention on writing anything today…but that changed. I figured after a therapy session, I would feel better. My therapist always sheds some great light on situations, and when everything happened earlier I truly was glad it was on therapy day. I expressed this to my therapist and he laughed because he knew that if I had to sit on it all week, I would continue in a downward spiral of self-loathing and destruction. I have come pretty damn far since I’ve been going to therapy. I have my moments, but it’s normal for someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Zoloft doesn’t fix everything, I have to learn how to handle situations a lot better and through therapy I believe I have.

That being said, here goes.

I try to maintain a positive attitude despite my own personal struggles. They are not anyone else’s, they are mine. It’s not anybody’s fault that I suffer from mental illness. It’s a chemical imbalance that nobody put there. People didn’t help the situation any (my birth father, my birth mother, my ex boyfriend(s), former friends), but that’s just the way it goes sometimes. I sunk myself so far down until I knew I had to get help. I was damaging friendships, and most importantly the relationship that I have with my husband. My toddler doesn’t understand why Mommy’s crying in the bedroom. It’s not his fault. It’s nobody’s fault, and I can’t pin that on anyone.

I try to be a positive person for so many in my life – my parents, my husband, my son, my friends, and even people I know casually. I make it a point to hand out genuine compliments to people – some of my friends I drop the flames emoji to because they look gorgeous, I tell someone their outfit’s on point, or their new hairstyle looks terrific on them. That can help a person out, whether or not you believe it. I know that if someone tells me that I look pretty today or that my makeup looks great, it makes me feel a heck of a lot better. I can’t put that one people to lift me up daily, but it’s nice to get that once in awhile. I just have to remind myself of my worth and that I’m truly a good human being and sometimes, I clean up nicely.

At what point do you stop trying to be positive to somebody who clearly cannot accept anything positive in their life? Do you give up instead of trying to suggest to them some things that’ll help them get to where they want to be? What if their obvious disdain for their life makes you feel like you’ve contributed absolutely nothing positive and everything you’ve done means diddly squat?

How does Eeyore ever get happy? Have you ever seen Eeyore happy? Does Eeyore really have to compare himself to what his friends in the 100 Acre Wood have – when he doesn’t know of their struggles and issues they might have in their own life? Pooh couldn’t get to his honey sometimes…maybe Eeyore should appreciate the fact that he doesn’t need to squeeze his butt into a hole in the tree to get his meal.

Eeyore is loved. Eeyore is adored. Nobody cares if Eeyore has a beautiful home in Bergen County, has a fancy car, a high paying job. But Eeyore stresses about it, he’s obsessed with it, and pushes the good things he has in his life away. The 100 Acre Wood is not a bad place to be. It’s a hell of a lot better than the alternative – which is having absolutely nothing. No home, no friends, no family, no job.

Tigger can’t help Eeyore if he can’t help himself.



Expect nothing, appreciate everything.

Sounds pretty cut and dry, right? It’s simple. But as humans we default to finding something wrong with everything. I have been so guilty of this numerous times. When I have talked about my anxiety and depression, people have given the ‘but you have nothing to be depressed about’ statement. How obtuse can one be to say something like that? I have struggled a lot in my life, I make no secrets about it but I’ll be perfectly honest…I’m not going to sit and complain about it. It’s all in the past, I’ve learned from everything and I’ve moved on.

And now it’s time for you to do the same and move on. Easier said than done, sure but the mentality of ‘everything sucks, why me, poor me, feel sorry for me’ is never going to make you feel better. The one thing I learned over the course of time is stop expecting things. Don’t expect people to feel bad for you, don’t expect people to go the extra mile for you, or to know that you’re upset. The sooner you adapt to this, the better off you’ll be. And once you master this, it’s so much easier to go on to the next step.

Did you wake up today? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food in your fridge? Do you have a wonderful family? Do you have a great group of friends? Oh, what’s that you say? Yes to all of that? Then be grateful for all of it. Most people have nothing. Some people didn’t wake up today. Some people don’t have a place to live. Some people are begging for food. Some people have no family or friends. Somewhere in the world, somebody’s got it far worse than you do. You are not the only person burdened with problems. Everyone is struggling whether or not they are open to talking about it. Be mindful of that, be considerate. Most of all, be appreciative. It’s not difficult.

This probably sounds callous, but I assure you that my words are all coming from a good place. I have very bad days, but I am still appreciative and happy with all that I have in my life. I’m also aware. I also know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I sat around and waited for things to just magically come to me. I am not entitled, I don’t believe I am owed anything because of unfortunate circumstances in my life. Last week, I had let my toddler know what our plans were for Saturday while my husband was off at work. It wasn’t anything extravagant, trust me. My husband says, “I’m jealous.” That phrase is one of the worst to me, and so I said…”Don’t ever be jealous of someone else, be grateful for what you have.” He was quiet for awhile because he knew how ridiculous he sounded. All he needed to do was remember there are people who wish they could earn overtime hours or even wish they had a job to go to. I know he’d like to not work on the weekend, but what’s the upside to overtime hours? A much bigger paycheck. Boom, rewarding.

It’s been a long week for me. I’m pressing the tap out button as we speak because by no means has it been easy, but I can’t complain. It’s not in me to do so. The best thing I can do is make the most of it, to find the good because it’s definitely there somewhere. I struggled with what to write today, but this has been at the top of my list of things to talk about for some time and I feel better having done so. This will serve as a reminder for me. Even if sometimes things don’t seem so great on the surface, I’m alive and I truly do have a very good life.


Why are you like this, Bachelor in Paradise?

Hello there! I didn’t do a recap last week because I left for vacation on Wednesday morning. I was thinking about it but I wasn’t bringing my laptop with me to do so. And so, I skipped last week and decided tonight would be the night that I would maybe rehash. And I will tell you now, without sugarcoating it, I’m still annoyed.

Ashley can’t blame edits anymore. I’ve seen her during Chris Soules’ season, then BIP2, and now BIP3. People can continue to defend her actions and say it’s solely emotional…but at what point is someone going to stand up and say, “That’s the behavior of a 18 year old?” I never behaved like that while I was in my post-21 years. I had my psycho girlfriend years, my psycho ex years, but that shit stopped after awhile. Ashley wants to say she’s being shamed for being emotional, but you know what? How many times is she going to slut shame someone because they wanted the same guy that she did? She called Caila a whore, she called Shushanna a Russian hooker and Euro trash. By the way Ashley, Shu is Armenian. Big difference.

Ashley might have apologized, but words matter. She wants to claim foul when people slam her for being so emotional and honestly…obsessive, yet she calls women awful names if they give her a shred of competition. I’ve been guilty of it, but I was also 18. I know that not everyone is perfect, but how long is Ashley going to use these excuses when she does this every single season she’s been on? She says she’s no longer going on any of the shows after this, and for the franchise’s sake I hope that’s true. Ashley can’t keep blaming the edits after our future Bachelor Nick has said that the edits don’t make you out to be any worse than you really are.

Moving along.

Izzy. I don’t know much about her except for what BIP showed me. She’s got a lot of balls trying to get Vinny back after she dumped him for a guy that she found aesthetically pleasing. I do root for love, but when it comes to this situation, I think that Vinny would be far better off without Izzy. Who’s to say she won’t do this again? And who’s to say that Vinny would completely trust her after what happened? Once again…your words matter. So be careful of what you say, because it’ll bite you back someday.

The only other couple I want to touch up on is Grant and Lace. I typed Lant, then Grace, then Lancet. I felt bad for Lace in her season because it was so clear that she was not ready for that environment. I say this because even now, as a married woman, I would not be okay with that environment. I think every woman in this world is prettier than me and that my husband is far better off without me…so I get it when it comes to what Lace thinks and feels.

Lace, you are worthy. I know it’s hard to believe, but you deserve it. And I know that I do too, and I’m working on believing that even after five years of marriage and being a mom for the past two and a half years. Nobody can fix these thoughts but you, and your faith in your partner. So I truly hope to goodness that you – if you’re Lace or someone who can relate – believe in yourself and allow for your heart to be loved as you so deserve. It’s easier said than done, but if anyone deserves that happy ending…it’s you.

Paradise is a mess sometimes, but you can truly see how people struggle with finding someone that fits their ideal. I’m glad that it took me a long time for me to find my husband. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I’m truly thankful for being in the right place at the right time. For being open to talking to someone who seemed too far out of my league. For giving myself confidence, patience and everything that comes with finding someone new. I basically STOPPED looking and just continued to live my own life. Paradise for some does not need to be the same as paradise for others. Just be patient, it’ll all come to you.

And if it doesn’t, you can stalk it out like Ashley and pray to your deceased dog that she’ll bring you love.