Why?

It’s a question that my toddler LOOOOOOOOOOVES to ask.  Sometimes, I have the answer and he’ll ask, “Why?”  We’ll go around and around with it until I say, “I don’t know.”  I like to flip it back on him and ask him “Why?” and he’s often stumped and I hear him say, “Ummmmm…”  And there are times that I don’t have any answers for him.  Might as well be crickets when he asks me the inevitable w-word, and I don’t want to make anything up because I don’t want that wave of guilt that I kinda sorta lied to my child to creep up on me and pull me under.  The other night was one of those nights where I couldn’t answer him, I just didn’t know what to say.

I’ve always spoken about my deceased brother, Andy.  My son is not only named after him, but looks just like him.  My mother gave me my grandmother’s photo album that she found, in it were pictures of Andy ranging from infancy to right before he passed away at the way too young age of 8.  I had looked through it, found some of his old artwork and had to hold it together because this is the one subject that can make me lose it completely.  All anyone has to do is talk about him with me and I’m instantly in tears.  Being an adult and needing your big brother is something I was never warned about, or really just the pain of being an adult and not having him here with me.

I forget how he even remembered, I might have said something about Uncle Andy in passing to my son but the other night as I was getting him ready for bed he looked at me and said, “Where’s Uncle Andy?”  I took a deep breath, and answered him with sincere honesty – “He’s in heaven, sweetheart.”  And then the question came…”Why?”  I was stuck in quicksand.  I knew it was an innocent question, my son doesn’t comprehend heaven/hell/afterlife…he’s only two.  The more I thought about his question, the more I remembered my therapy appointment last Friday and just what re-living the night Andy passed away had to me.

Why did he get taken away from me so soon?  I have a hard time digesting ‘it was his time’ or ‘he served his purpose here.’  I know this is something that my Pastor has covered in church a few times.  I know I can go to him for guidance on this subject just as I’ve done for other things.  But this is one of those times where I just need to go through the motions of questioning why.  I am not at peace with the situation entirely, but I’m no longer angry with God.  I feel like I have no answers as to why he passed away.  Sure, I could ask the one person alive today that was at the hospital with us when they said Andy was gone.  I’m not looking for medical reasons. To be quite honest, I have no idea what I’m looking for anymore when it comes to this because it all ends in that question…why?

 

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Do something good for yourself.

For those of you that follow me on social media, or who know me personally know that there are very little things in life that bring me joy (aside from my family, friends and cheese) in all of the ways that Hamilton: the Musical does.  OH SNAP, I NEED TO ENTER THE DIGITAL LOTTERY.

Okay, done.  I will wait on pins and needles until 4:00pm and I will imagine the phone call I make to my mother that will be me screaming WE’RE GOING TO HAMILTON TONIGHT MA!!!!!!

Lin-Manuel Miranda started to do a show outside of the Richard Rodgers on Wednesdays – they also have a lottery at the same time for the afternoon show.  It’s his way of giving back to us, especially those of us who cannot get tickets and don’t want to empty our savings accounts just for re-sales (2,000 bucks for tickets…seriously).  For the longest time, I had wanted to go, and when Lin-Manuel announced he was leaving the show in July I made a promise to myself.  I was going to Ham4Ham before he was done.

And yesterday, I kept that promise to myself.  I went.  And I was walking on air the rest of the day.

The show is only five minutes, he usually brings out a guest.  Yesterday, he announced that Rory O’Malley (the current King George) will be taking over Ham4Ham – and in the middle of the song…out comes Aaron Tveit.  I just stood there in absolute shock because everyone’s been wanting him to be part of Ham4Ham for the longest time and poof, the one that I go to…so needless to say, yesterday was amazing and I was so, so happy.  Anxiety didn’t strike me, depression wasn’t going to act up and tell me that I didn’t deserve to have a good day.  Nope.  It wasn’t happening.

I had said that nothing was going to mess up my mood, and I was waiting for something or someone to say CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.  Not even my temper tantrum throwing toddler (he was upset over ice cubes) made me upset or made me lose my patience.  I calmly found a way to get him to quit crying and yelling – I was unstoppable yesterday!  Yesterday was a good day, it was one of the best I’ve had in a long time without anything trying to convince me otherwise.

Do something good for yourself.  Even if you have to do it on your lunch hour, take time for yourself and do something good.  Something that makes you happy.  Something that’s going to give you that walking on air feeling.  As a parent, I cannot stress the importance of having time just for yourself.  Having time where you’re not working, running an errand, doing chores.  It’s all part of taking care of yourself, which is super important if you have a little life depending on you all of the time.  It’s why I’ve changed the way that I eat, it’s why I take my lunch hour instead of working at my desk (unless I have to spend my lunch hour running an errand), it’s why I’ve sought out a therapist…and other things!  How can I expect to take care of my son (and husband, too) if I can’t take care of myself?

Lesson learned from yesterday, and a GOOD one…do something that makes you happy always, and start crossing things off of your bucket list.