Keeping a promise.

I’m finally doing this.  I’ve been saying I’ll blog, I’ll finally get the courage to do so, I’ll use it frequently for my thoughts and my experiences as a working mother.  I’ll use it to help others who may be going through the same trials and tribulations as I am.  And then, I break promises to myself and I don’t do it.  Partly because this leaves me pretty vulnerable and also because I think that nobody will read this and those who do, will mock it.  That being said, moving forward.

Most ask about New Year’s resolutions, and to be quite honest I never resolve to do anything.  I set goals for myself, not a resolution.  I promise myself that I’m going to do something.  But like I do every single year, I end up breaking it somehow.  Since I struggle with anxiety and depression, there’s that horrible voice that tells me, “You’re having a bad day, go on and eat half a sleeve of Oreos, you’ll feel better.”  And I do it.  But I don’t ever feel better, I just feel fat.

I have a lot of good things going on in my life – A great job that of course has its minuses but I try not to focus on that, great friendships, a great family.  And then there’s my sun, moon & stars – my husband and my son.  They are my universe in human form, for them I will do anything.  I know that I have nothing to be sad about when you look at that big giant picture but depression and anxiety is much more than having some pretty amazing things in your life.  It’s a voice inside of you that says you don’t deserve these things, or in my case – you have had a string of bad incidents in your life, you’re not allowed to have nice things.  So when that voice starts to talk, I listen.  And I shouldn’t.

A lot of people get mad about this New Year, New Me thing.  Listen, change is inevitable even in people.  And if someone TRULY wants to change, they will.  Although my grandmother always said you can’t change the spots on a leopard, it’s pretty easy to tell whose spots aren’t going anywhere.  I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even the New Year, New Me conglomerate.  Pro tip:  It’s not your life, so let these people say they’re going to change x, y and see if they even change z.  You continue to look after yourself, nobody’s perfect.  And I can safely say that I was one of those people who never changed, I admit to being a real jerk of a person once upon a time.  I did things I’m not proud of, but I learned from it.  It may have taken awhile, but at least I got there.  I promised to not retreat back to ‘old me’ a very long time ago, and that’s one promise I am proud to say that I have kept and it’s staying that way.

So what have I promised myself this year?  Beating my hypothyroidism.  I know I’ll be stuck with it for life, but the weight that I put on isn’t going to be stuck on me anymore.  It sucks having to get blood taken every four months, to have to take a pill every single morning but those are the breaks and I’ve got to deal with it.  And by dealing, I mean waking up early and working out. eating better, and getting healthy again – for myself, first and foremost.  And my husband and son need me to be healthy, too.  I’m going to spend less time on social media and more time enjoying life as it happens.  A major pet peeve of mine is people staring at their phones when out with their friends.  If I ever do that to any of you and it isn’t justifiably so (meaning my husband is texting about Andrew), take my phone.  To me, it says ‘I don’t really care about spending time with you’ and I don’t want to make anyone feel that way.  And to be really honest here, social media can be so damaging in so many ways.  I’ve lived without it for years, I can live without it some more.  Use sparingly, when necessary.

Yes, I have promised to blog more.  I am going to promise myself to do this when the mood strikes and I really want to stick with it.  I have also promised myself to read more than I already do (that’s possible), get into a better routine, send more handwritten notes (I have thank you cards to send to those who mailed my son Christmas gifts), and life a happy and positive life.  If I have bad days, I need to figure out how to deal with them that do not involve food.  Color with my almost two year old, buy a puzzle and try to put it together, keep a journal that’s meant for my eyes only.  All positive ways to deal with negative thoughts and also…Belly Breathe.  Which I’ll discuss in my next blog.

Be well, kids.